Before R came I had been with the same company for 5 years. It was my first job out of college and I LOVED it. I had plans to go far in the company and was well on my way to making that happen. I was really good at my job, like really good, and now that I’m a mom I have to say I feel a little bit lost.
It’s not that I don’t love being a mom and love being home with my little lady, because seriously there is NOTHING better than a random hug and kiss from that sweet little toddler!, but it doesn’t come as naturally to me as working did. So I’ve been trying to find ways to make it more, like a job I guess. I’ll get excited about something (planning crafts, activities, etc.), then I get busy and then I forget and then I get excited about it again, do more work and the cycle repeats itself but I feel like I seldom actually accomplish anything.
I’m also not a homemaker haha! I don’t love cooking and I hate cleaning, especially the laundry and the dishes (thankfully my husband is much better at those things that I, score for me!). So I’m feeling a bit lost when it comes to what I do and where I fit.
I try adding in volunteer work to fill that spot of “work” and that sometimes helps. But trying to fit it in with my own hobbies and my family can be hard. There are times I feel like those hours are time I should be spending on R but then when I have that time I often have no idea what to do with it. I feel like before R, there was work and Matt with a little bit of other stuff. But now with R I have R work, volunteer work, hobbies work, Matt, home ownership, chef, maid, teacher, dog sitter, you get the picture. It’s not that I didn’t have some of those things before R but I swear I had way more time then ha!
So I guess what I’m trying to say about this thing called stay-at-home mommying is I’m still trying to figure out what the f*** I’m doing. I’m trying to figure out where I fit into this equation of mother, housewife, etc. I definitely haven’t found my sweet spot. I’m not unhappy, there really is nothing better in life than being a parent, but I just don’t feel that same sort of heart pumping excitement I used to get with work.
It saddens me to say that. Seeing R count to 3 for the first time the other day was AMAZING but I’m missing that same excitement for myself and the things I do. I get lots of time to be excited for R and my hubby about all the awesome things they do but I don’t have things I do that give me the same “feel good” feelings work did. Sure I have hobbies, but I’m just not as good at them as I was work (although I have to say I’m getting MUCH better!).
I know it’s been two years, almost awwww, already but with a kid I feel like every few months is like starting a new job. Every time you think you have it down, they change. So here’s to pushing on. Keeping strong, going with the flow, and encouraging myself to keep figuring it out. Someday, maybe I’ll get there.